Just shy of my 26th birthday I stumbled upon a quote that stated, "Don't travel for a new life, instead focus on a life you don't have to run away from." That struck a nerve deep inside me, because for me I travel to experience new cultures and to expand my mind but deep down the truth was I was wander because nothing was keeping me happy at home.
I decided of all the year's this year would be my year of contentment. A year where I would value all the things I take for granted and learn how to be happy without making goal lists every month, week, day, or sadly hour. I am a true dichotomy of extremely anal and spontaneous. For me I wake up with at least 5 goals and go to bed never satisfied with what I have accomplished. Truthfully, it is a living hell.
I guess I am like a hummingbird, still in a moment yet constantly in motion. The quest for me to find contentment began and now 10 months later I do believe I found out something: I don't like being content. So how did I begin this journey, I put down my pen and I stopped making strategic plans for my life. I mean who makes a SWOT analysis on their own personality? I decided to face one of my many fears: rejection.
I fear rejection like most people fear heights. It's why I don't date well. The constant thought of someone judging and evaluating me sends me into a nervous stupor and before it's over my nerves block me out of every getting date number two. I think I subconsciously do it, to make sure no every gets in so that no one can every truly break my heart. It's my way of still being in control even when I am not. So how did I decided to face this fear of rejection, I auditioned for the Charleston Light Oprea Guild's production of Hello Dolly. I missed the first call of auditions do to just pure fear. I sat in the parking lot but couldn't bring myself to tryout because what if I did make it, what if I failed? Two days later a second round of auditions commenced and I knew that I needed to do it for bigger reasons than just being in a musical. I needed to grow past my anxiety or fear of being analyzed. I needed to learn to just not care. So with sweaty palms, a shaky voice and an instant outbreak of hives I auditioned singing amazing grace. It was a horrible audition and and even horrible dance audition which is my forte. I , the constant perfectionist, was so imperfect. For once I didn't care, I was just elated I made the cast.
Since then I have auditioned for other plays and I get more comfortable each time. I have come to understand that my only weakness is my own doubt in myself. Nothing outwardly is causing me to be nervous, the hindrance is my own self doubt. What else am I holding myself back from in I am doubting myself? So what does all this have to do with contentment? It is simple, if you are content with yourself then you aren't doubting what you aren't or are doing. You are completely comfortable. That was my mission to accomplish, to alleviate my doubts about myself and just be a stronger woman.
This year has taught me so many lessons about myself and about others. I have went through almost losing my Dad to a pulmonary embolism, changing jobs, my grandma passing, accepting new challenges, and traveling to new places. I would say of the last 4 years this has been the least defining year, but as I write this I am not sure. I went into my 26th year with no expectations and what I got was a sense of self assurance. I am, Rachel Coffman. I am that girl who dreams bigger than she needs too, makes too many goals (but always accomplishes them), drinks out of the milk carton (hey, no one is perfect), has a tendency to see the good in people when they don't deserve it, never unpacks my suitcase, and the list goes on. This is the time I have accepted I am me, with no self doubt. I am the sum of all my weaknesses, my strengths, improvements, and my failures. I couldn't be more happier to be me. That was the end goal, to no longer wonder where I belong in this world, but to be accepting of where I was and own that moment in time.
Life can be "content' without settling for contentment. I disagree with the quote I first mentioned. I don't see how travelling means you are running away from a life. You are creating a life much richer. Travelling doesn't mean crossing oceans or international borders, it is a state of mind to go freely without bias. I have had so many fears torn down by meeting people from different cultures and those experiences allowed me to be more open in my daily life. Being aware of how small your presence is in this world is the thing that makes you want to change it all that more. You must step out of your comfort zone to know where you are comfortable and what you can surprisingly endure. I am proud to be a hummingbird, always in motion and always learning.
